The Greatest Decision Ever

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During a job interview I was taken aback with the question, what was my greatest and hardest decision I made in my life.

I look back and recall things I sacrifice in the span of years I live here on earth. The answer pop up so quick, I was surprise of how my decision made me of who I am today.

Back then, I chose my school life over my love life. I have few regrets. Things I didn’t say and do but I already accepted the fact that things happen as how it supposed to be.

I exchanged a temporary happiness to a lifetime of loneliness, that’s what I thought first. I was alone at the top. I can’t even smile fully with the gold hanging in my neck and a wooden frame in my hands. My smile did not match the dullness of my eyes.

I thought the person would stay, would understand, and would support me along the way. But I was so wrong.

Stressed and fatigued, the two who changed me. I was too focused of my goal, too focused of looking forward I wasn’t able to see that I was leaving you behind. My pace didn’t match yours so we have a problem with too much insecurities.

All I think about in those stressful days is how I dread it to be finished. That there will be no after class meetings that will gonna hinder us on the way home.

No department competition to lead, for the sake of the name of our course to be recognize.

That there will be no sleepless nights that I study too much for a test I wanted to ace tomorrow.

I wanted to graduate soon and say the words and be able to feel freely the butterfly in my stomach. No more grades to mind, no more teachers to please, and no more classmate to lead; just you and me.

But you drifted away because I pushed you away. I pushed you because I was too afraid of saying the words that you wanted to hear. I pushed you away because I consider other people’s feelings more than I do with you. I pushed you away because you were the last person in my list of priorities.

As I was moving forward towards the castle in the sand we built together was blown and destroyed by the waves and the wind of our obstacles. And you were just standing there, swallowed by your own insecurities, influenced by your ego, brainwashed by your jealousy.

I really believe that what you felt for me before was love, but you were just longing for an affection I can never give to you. I am sorry if I love my life more than you. Because I thought that there are a lot of years ahead of us and I wanted to achieve all this things so that I could focused all my attention to you in the later years. I thought we are in the same wavelength.

But thanks to you. You made me realize that pursuing that temporary happiness could make my parents really proud of me. And I realized, it is not my life who I cherished after all. It is the people who willingly stayed for those times I was too busy looking forward and moving to the top. They waited patiently for me and support me in everything until I finally reached my end of the path I was creating for them to walked smoothly. So that I could get them and lead them to where I am now.

I am sorry you did not understand that I worked so hard for myself so that you will be also proud of me.

We are not meant to happen. We don’t have a happy ending. You were just a sad and painful chapter in my life. You serve as a lesson. That people who loves me deeply will stay no matter how hard it is to be with me and people who don’t will eventually get tired and leave.

I know my life is not as happy as I wanted to be without you but I made the right decision, you will never be a part of what I am going to be. The updated version of me.

** Credits to the rightful owner of the picture

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Everything is falling apart, and then I prayed.

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I confess…  These past few days I doubted about God’s plan for me. I asked him, “Why Lord? Why am I being hold back to the things I wanted the most? For the things I should be doing in my life right now? Why are my plans are not being followed? Why do I have to give up something important to me?”

I confess… I doubted if God heard my prayer at all. If God really wanted me to be happy. If God really cares.

I cried silently.. not wanting somebody see how I painfully she’d my tears how I cried out to God my questions, my heart’s doubts and worries.

My patience is one of my challenge and waiting for something to happen makes me weary.  But then,  when all the tears are already poured, my throat already ached and my heart’s tightening..  I grasp something.

It is not God’s fault I experience this. It is mine. Instead of trusting in His timing and plans, I was busy creating mine. Instead of praying and reading His word, I was worrying and crying  about how I am so disappointed with my life.

I am an ungrateful child. I realized.. I was not alone in the past. From the parents that He assigned to me… to friends He gave me.. and all those times in applying for a school in college He directed me.

Even the heartache He gave me for my first love served as a lesson for future references. I learned that I can love no matter what the appearance,  the intelligence and attitude as long as it is from God you can love unconditionally.

I know I am cruel and selfish and everything.. But He never failed to lend me His strength to carry on everyday. Even I am falling apart, He always pick up the pieces at the end of the day.

So I am so ashamed of myself and I confess… Prayer changes everything. And the answers to my questions? It is also all in my prayers. 😉

Feeling Unloved? Remember God loves you to the nth power.

http://41.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mbf4prAG5y1qdaq7jo1_500.jpgYou would wonder why nth power? You would always hear it in mathematics or related to that subject. It means an unspecified ordinal number, usually the greatest in a series of values or simply put to the utmost or extreme.
Isn’t amazing? Your Father in heaven loves you very much and He even commanded His angels concerning you to guide you in all your ways, they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone (Psalms 91:11-12). Get that? That’s how much God loves you that He’s not going to hurt you even a bit.
So when you feel being so unloved keep this in mind, God loves you with an everlasting love. If you feel that the world is against you, run to Him and cry out when things are not going easy, but always believe that He will always there for you.
Never lose faith and hope that everything will come to pass. Celebrate in His love for He alone can satisfy the needs of your heart. Take heart for all the troubles, it is there to strengthen you.
But I’m warning you, the enemy will try to make you remember of the things that hurt you, sadness will snatch you from God’s power. Tears will blur the sight of joy and harsh words will deafen you from the promising words of God. Lies will mute you from speaking the truth. Hurt will cause you to become idle and will dishonor God.
However, all you need to do is set aside the hurt of being unloved. Forgive the ones who hurt you, but never forget the lesson they teach you. Love until it hurts no more. The kind of love Jesus taught us to give.
And last but not the least, whenever you feel unloved, rejected and ignored. Remember to whom you are belong and you are love to the nth power!

A Sad Billet Doux

I cried bitter tears as I am lying in my bedhttps://www.pinterest.com/pin/218776494371525287/
Tears cause by bitterness I painfully shed
And now my heart is sinking low
Longing for the love I’ve known a long time ago

Memories keep flashing, flooding my head
A tingling pain that slowly made my body dead
Shot of joy of yesterday’s moment
I want to experience it again with happiness and excitement

Sparkling eyes with fireworks at the scene
Hands entwine held by a love so saccharine
A billet doux with a scent of hope
Slide in my soul like an everlasting slope

Sepia colored moments are hard to hold
The love I’ve known long time ago is now cold
The warmth and tenderness of his heart I miss
But sad to say, I’ll end this poem without his bliss.

Unwavering Love

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God is the one who knows my pain,
Released me from the agony’s chain.
Renewed my heart that once was broken,
And love me no matter what happen.

His love is unwavering
His mercy never fails
Without Him I am nothing
Without Him my ship wouldn’t sail.

My heart is longing to see His face,
And to thank him with all His grace.
Bless me, oh God, and forgive all of my sins.
I love you Lord, please make me wise and keen.

Bitter Wishes

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I wish I don’t have a heart, it aches too much.
I wish I don’t have hair that I can brush.
I wish I don’t have a mind that can think twice.
I wish I don’t have a voice that can sing with precise.

I wish I don’t have the eyes that can see my own misery.
I wish I don’t have the ears that can hear my agony.
I wish I don’t have the nose that can smell my defeat.
I wish I don’t have the hands that can touch what I forfeit.

I wish I don’t have bones that can stand the pain.
I wish I don’t have a flesh to feel the weakness I gain.
I wish I don’t have the feet to lead me to my destruction.
I wish I don’t have the leadership to ease my obligation.

I wish I don’t have the tears that flows like a river.
I wish I don’t have the smile that can be a deceiver.
It breaks my heart to wish all this…
But if this results to my bliss,
Then I’ll continue to say I wish… I wish.