My insecurities are eating me

image

Every morning I have this terrible feeling after work. I am in a graveyard shift and when the day just started for almost everyone,  mine just ended.

My heart broke when I see a lot of students commuting to school. A different expression every time I look at them. Some are tired, some are excited and some doesn’t even care at all.

I should be one of them. I should also be going to school instead of going home after work. I should  be one of those fortunate people who get to continue studying and meet their friends every morning and talk about what happened in yesterday’s class and if they ever finished their assignments. I should be one of those students,  studying in their way to school, which I did when I was still one of them. I never waste time and make the most out of it.
I should not be in one of those customer care companies,  talking non-stop to strangers, addressing their complaints and giving them satisfaction of how I assisted them. I should be giving myself satisfaction first before giving them to other people, but my heart can’t do that. It is willing to sacrifice it’s own happiness for the sake of other people.

I know some of you will say I should be contented and be grateful I have a job in a very young age. But because of this age, I should be in one of those school and finishing up engineering and be called an Engineer someday.

Some of you may suggest that I should be working and studying at the same time, but I tell you.. I have a very weak body and I needed to rest more. I also thought of the possibility of working and studying. But my work demands a lot of changes in the schedule and you cannot bring a book to study in your cubicle.  And the sad fact is, I am not able to study even they allowed to because we are flooded with calls.

I can’t blame my parents for not able to afford my education. I can’t blame that they are getting older and can’t work  that hard anymore. I’m having guilt feelings because I wasn’t able to see that.

I was broken hearted to see other people who have more than they could hope for in life and can afford their education but they are wasting it. They are going to school not to discuss assignments and looking forward to see some friends but looking forward to escape the day and get money from their parents. They never know that I would beg for them to switched places with me.  They work, I study.

I am thinking of searching for a sponsor but this is not common these days. You should have an Einstein brain first in order to get one but mine is not a mind of a genius but a mind who worked hard and making sure that I am above from average. If you knew someone please recommend me. I would never disappoint someone who gave me a chance.

School is one of my favorite place. And now I am working hard to get out of this unhappy job that I have and be reunited with my favorite place once again. I am saving my hard-earned money just to buy a uniform and other school material but it is not enough for my tuition fee. But I know I have to keep working hard and  trusting God for I know  He has a better plan ahead of me. I just need to be positive. I believe that I can continue my dreams and stop torturing myself from this job I don’t even like and making me feel stressed everyday.

Advertisements

Feeling Unloved? Remember God loves you to the nth power.

http://41.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mbf4prAG5y1qdaq7jo1_500.jpgYou would wonder why nth power? You would always hear it in mathematics or related to that subject. It means an unspecified ordinal number, usually the greatest in a series of values or simply put to the utmost or extreme.
Isn’t amazing? Your Father in heaven loves you very much and He even commanded His angels concerning you to guide you in all your ways, they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone (Psalms 91:11-12). Get that? That’s how much God loves you that He’s not going to hurt you even a bit.
So when you feel being so unloved keep this in mind, God loves you with an everlasting love. If you feel that the world is against you, run to Him and cry out when things are not going easy, but always believe that He will always there for you.
Never lose faith and hope that everything will come to pass. Celebrate in His love for He alone can satisfy the needs of your heart. Take heart for all the troubles, it is there to strengthen you.
But I’m warning you, the enemy will try to make you remember of the things that hurt you, sadness will snatch you from God’s power. Tears will blur the sight of joy and harsh words will deafen you from the promising words of God. Lies will mute you from speaking the truth. Hurt will cause you to become idle and will dishonor God.
However, all you need to do is set aside the hurt of being unloved. Forgive the ones who hurt you, but never forget the lesson they teach you. Love until it hurts no more. The kind of love Jesus taught us to give.
And last but not the least, whenever you feel unloved, rejected and ignored. Remember to whom you are belong and you are love to the nth power!

A Sad Billet Doux

I cried bitter tears as I am lying in my bedhttps://www.pinterest.com/pin/218776494371525287/
Tears cause by bitterness I painfully shed
And now my heart is sinking low
Longing for the love I’ve known a long time ago

Memories keep flashing, flooding my head
A tingling pain that slowly made my body dead
Shot of joy of yesterday’s moment
I want to experience it again with happiness and excitement

Sparkling eyes with fireworks at the scene
Hands entwine held by a love so saccharine
A billet doux with a scent of hope
Slide in my soul like an everlasting slope

Sepia colored moments are hard to hold
The love I’ve known long time ago is now cold
The warmth and tenderness of his heart I miss
But sad to say, I’ll end this poem without his bliss.

Unwavering Love

pra

God is the one who knows my pain,
Released me from the agony’s chain.
Renewed my heart that once was broken,
And love me no matter what happen.

His love is unwavering
His mercy never fails
Without Him I am nothing
Without Him my ship wouldn’t sail.

My heart is longing to see His face,
And to thank him with all His grace.
Bless me, oh God, and forgive all of my sins.
I love you Lord, please make me wise and keen.

Bitter Wishes

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/299137600228048427/

I wish I don’t have a heart, it aches too much.
I wish I don’t have hair that I can brush.
I wish I don’t have a mind that can think twice.
I wish I don’t have a voice that can sing with precise.

I wish I don’t have the eyes that can see my own misery.
I wish I don’t have the ears that can hear my agony.
I wish I don’t have the nose that can smell my defeat.
I wish I don’t have the hands that can touch what I forfeit.

I wish I don’t have bones that can stand the pain.
I wish I don’t have a flesh to feel the weakness I gain.
I wish I don’t have the feet to lead me to my destruction.
I wish I don’t have the leadership to ease my obligation.

I wish I don’t have the tears that flows like a river.
I wish I don’t have the smile that can be a deceiver.
It breaks my heart to wish all this…
But if this results to my bliss,
Then I’ll continue to say I wish… I wish.

To The Person Who I Thought Was Really The One

owlcity

You are the man I loved since the moment I saw you and sadly until now even though you already walked away. I really thought you are the one for me, the one I could be with forever. But forever is impossible between us.

I know I have my faults too why you fall out of love. But I will try to explain myself. Behind all those shooing was a heart that wanted you to stay and annoy me still. Behind all those opposition I made every time you make an argument was really a heart that wanted to be with you and talk to you and argue about silly things.

Behind those tired eyes was a heart longing for you to give me rest on your shoulders and assure me that everything will fall into place. Behind those shrugged of annoyance was a heart that wanted to be understood.

But when the day you said that you don’t love me anymore I feel like my color has taken away from. Everything turned dull and blurry. It felt like a lost a sense of living. I lost the will to live. I cried all night trying to numb myself from the pain of your words. What am I supposed to do now? How about those promises we made together? Am I going to do it alone?

I cried in front of my Mom and was about to say how I lost you but I just said that my grade is about to fail (which is true because I was so distracted thinking how we are falling a part and studying is difficult at those times). Mom said that I should focus more and she said that I can do a lot better.

I tried to cheer myself up and did everything to make my life even busier so that I will not think about you. I read a lot of books and sleep and eat more. Showing everyone that I can be happy without you. And when you are being teased by the girl you love now I just smile and say I don’t care. But I care A LOT!

Sorry if I really got mad and say hurtful things to you. That was because I was corrupted by my pain and anger and my pride cannot fathom the fact that you will never be mine anymore. But you know what? Every time I saw you my heart wanted to burst and I wanted to scream because of the pain.

Whenever I hear your name with our common friends I feel like crying and misses you even more. I don’t know if you are able to read this but I bet you can’t because you don’t care anymore. I just wanted you to know that I love you always. I may seem busy with everything and my hands are full with activities at school but I never missed a single second to miss you.

It hurts me when they say you are like my underling, the one who is always tailing behind. No… I don’t want them to talk about you like that because you are the person I look up to. You are like my Vanilla Star.

But now you changed. You didn’t keep your promises. Do you want me to remind you of them?

-You said I will never be an old maid because you’re going to marry me.
-You said you you are willing to wait
-You said that you will never get tired of me even though I am so annoying to the maximum level
-Lastly, when I thought everything will feel apart you said to me that you will never ever be gone by my side

owlcity2

But even though you changed I don’t know why I continue to love you. I am not asking you to come back. I already know that will never happen. I will just ask you to be back to the guy I once knew. The one who brought me closer to God. Who’s mouth is clean from profanity. The one who would make up with my craziness and joke that is out of this earth but it’s funny anyway (for me). The one who is sensitive enough of how others would feel if they are being bullied.

You never stand up for what is right anymore. You only stand up for those bad influenced friend of yours.

I hope if you ever read this you will realize I never change. The only one who changed was the one who gave up the love he started and memories that were thrown away. And my fault? I just watched you made all those changes and understand that some people really change and to let them see that you really love them you will love those changes. And I did.

I am starting to move on now not because I want to but I need to because you already did. Again I just wanted you to know that even you changed, I loved those changes and will love you until this pain in my heart will fade.

May God bless you! And I love you forever and always…