Letter of my Dark Side

Life. I had enough.

All my plans… ruined. All my hopes… crushed. All my love… drained. What more are you going take away from me? Miserable as always. You taken all the colors in my life.

Crying won’t do me good. My tears can’t bring comfort to me anymore. Even the songs are meaningless.
I had enough of this nonsense that everything will be OK when it’s not. That everything will be different tomorrow when I woke up but I still feel miserable every morning like I was last night.

I am sick and tired of pretending that things will turn out fine. That everything will get better. When? When will it be? I was growing weary with every heartache, every failure and rejection.
Even the darkness could not envelop the pain that I am feeling. And death will be just a temporary cure and I would suffer all over again.

Tell me. Do you have enough of me? Because Life I HAD ENOUGH.

Everything is falling apart, and then I prayed.

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I confess…  These past few days I doubted about God’s plan for me. I asked him, “Why Lord? Why am I being hold back to the things I wanted the most? For the things I should be doing in my life right now? Why are my plans are not being followed? Why do I have to give up something important to me?”

I confess… I doubted if God heard my prayer at all. If God really wanted me to be happy. If God really cares.

I cried silently.. not wanting somebody see how I painfully she’d my tears how I cried out to God my questions, my heart’s doubts and worries.

My patience is one of my challenge and waiting for something to happen makes me weary.  But then,  when all the tears are already poured, my throat already ached and my heart’s tightening..  I grasp something.

It is not God’s fault I experience this. It is mine. Instead of trusting in His timing and plans, I was busy creating mine. Instead of praying and reading His word, I was worrying and crying  about how I am so disappointed with my life.

I am an ungrateful child. I realized.. I was not alone in the past. From the parents that He assigned to me… to friends He gave me.. and all those times in applying for a school in college He directed me.

Even the heartache He gave me for my first love served as a lesson for future references. I learned that I can love no matter what the appearance,  the intelligence and attitude as long as it is from God you can love unconditionally.

I know I am cruel and selfish and everything.. But He never failed to lend me His strength to carry on everyday. Even I am falling apart, He always pick up the pieces at the end of the day.

So I am so ashamed of myself and I confess… Prayer changes everything. And the answers to my questions? It is also all in my prayers. 😉

My insecurities are eating me

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Every morning I have this terrible feeling after work. I am in a graveyard shift and when the day just started for almost everyone,  mine just ended.

My heart broke when I see a lot of students commuting to school. A different expression every time I look at them. Some are tired, some are excited and some doesn’t even care at all.

I should be one of them. I should also be going to school instead of going home after work. I should  be one of those fortunate people who get to continue studying and meet their friends every morning and talk about what happened in yesterday’s class and if they ever finished their assignments. I should be one of those students,  studying in their way to school, which I did when I was still one of them. I never waste time and make the most out of it.
I should not be in one of those customer care companies,  talking non-stop to strangers, addressing their complaints and giving them satisfaction of how I assisted them. I should be giving myself satisfaction first before giving them to other people, but my heart can’t do that. It is willing to sacrifice it’s own happiness for the sake of other people.

I know some of you will say I should be contented and be grateful I have a job in a very young age. But because of this age, I should be in one of those school and finishing up engineering and be called an Engineer someday.

Some of you may suggest that I should be working and studying at the same time, but I tell you.. I have a very weak body and I needed to rest more. I also thought of the possibility of working and studying. But my work demands a lot of changes in the schedule and you cannot bring a book to study in your cubicle.  And the sad fact is, I am not able to study even they allowed to because we are flooded with calls.

I can’t blame my parents for not able to afford my education. I can’t blame that they are getting older and can’t work  that hard anymore. I’m having guilt feelings because I wasn’t able to see that.

I was broken hearted to see other people who have more than they could hope for in life and can afford their education but they are wasting it. They are going to school not to discuss assignments and looking forward to see some friends but looking forward to escape the day and get money from their parents. They never know that I would beg for them to switched places with me.  They work, I study.

I am thinking of searching for a sponsor but this is not common these days. You should have an Einstein brain first in order to get one but mine is not a mind of a genius but a mind who worked hard and making sure that I am above from average. If you knew someone please recommend me. I would never disappoint someone who gave me a chance.

School is one of my favorite place. And now I am working hard to get out of this unhappy job that I have and be reunited with my favorite place once again. I am saving my hard-earned money just to buy a uniform and other school material but it is not enough for my tuition fee. But I know I have to keep working hard and  trusting God for I know  He has a better plan ahead of me. I just need to be positive. I believe that I can continue my dreams and stop torturing myself from this job I don’t even like and making me feel stressed everyday.

A Little Christian Humor

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This is one of the best clean jokes I’ve seen in awhile!

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better
on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was
tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, ‘THAT’S IT! I have had enough. I am going to
set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will
judge who does the better job.’

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports

They did e very job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power
went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known
in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their
computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

‘It’s gone! It’s all GONE! ‘I lost everything when the power went out!’

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from
the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

‘Wait!’ he screamed. ‘That’s not fair! He cheated! How come he has all
his work and I don’t have any?’

God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES

Credits: http://www.istorya.net/forums/humor-26/66858-just-laugh-14.html -MOM

The Selection Series by Kiera Cass

theselection I started reading the series last Sunday and now I already finished the Book 2! My goodness… I am starting the Book 3 and the PART 4 will be coming this year.

I don’t know what will become of me once I finish the 3rd book. I am loving America Singer and Maxon Schreave love story… (I am sorry Aspen…) Hope I have the money to buy the 4th book once it is published.

Argghhh… books are taking a lot of my small allowance. But I dont mind because it is one thing that gave me happiness and let me escape this chaotic world we lived in.

Hope you have the same feelings like mine with this book! I am so gonna email the author! ❤ 😀