The Greatest Decision Ever

abaa60565ea46b989c855151301474f3

During a job interview I was taken aback with the question, what was my greatest and hardest decision I made in my life.

I look back and recall things I sacrifice in the span of years I live here on earth. The answer pop up so quick, I was surprise of how my decision made me of who I am today.

Back then, I chose my school life over my love life. I have few regrets. Things I didn’t say and do but I already accepted the fact that things happen as how it supposed to be.

I exchanged a temporary happiness to a lifetime of loneliness, that’s what I thought first. I was alone at the top. I can’t even smile fully with the gold hanging in my neck and a wooden frame in my hands. My smile did not match the dullness of my eyes.

I thought the person would stay, would understand, and would support me along the way. But I was so wrong.

Stressed and fatigued, the two who changed me. I was too focused of my goal, too focused of looking forward I wasn’t able to see that I was leaving you behind. My pace didn’t match yours so we have a problem with too much insecurities.

All I think about in those stressful days is how I dread it to be finished. That there will be no after class meetings that will gonna hinder us on the way home.

No department competition to lead, for the sake of the name of our course to be recognize.

That there will be no sleepless nights that I study too much for a test I wanted to ace tomorrow.

I wanted to graduate soon and say the words and be able to feel freely the butterfly in my stomach. No more grades to mind, no more teachers to please, and no more classmate to lead; just you and me.

But you drifted away because I pushed you away. I pushed you because I was too afraid of saying the words that you wanted to hear. I pushed you away because I consider other people’s feelings more than I do with you. I pushed you away because you were the last person in my list of priorities.

As I was moving forward towards the castle in the sand we built together was blown and destroyed by the waves and the wind of our obstacles. And you were just standing there, swallowed by your own insecurities, influenced by your ego, brainwashed by your jealousy.

I really believe that what you felt for me before was love, but you were just longing for an affection I can never give to you. I am sorry if I love my life more than you. Because I thought that there are a lot of years ahead of us and I wanted to achieve all this things so that I could focused all my attention to you in the later years. I thought we are in the same wavelength.

But thanks to you. You made me realize that pursuing that temporary happiness could make my parents really proud of me. And I realized, it is not my life who I cherished after all. It is the people who willingly stayed for those times I was too busy looking forward and moving to the top. They waited patiently for me and support me in everything until I finally reached my end of the path I was creating for them to walked smoothly. So that I could get them and lead them to where I am now.

I am sorry you did not understand that I worked so hard for myself so that you will be also proud of me.

We are not meant to happen. We don’t have a happy ending. You were just a sad and painful chapter in my life. You serve as a lesson. That people who loves me deeply will stay no matter how hard it is to be with me and people who don’t will eventually get tired and leave.

I know my life is not as happy as I wanted to be without you but I made the right decision, you will never be a part of what I am going to be. The updated version of me.

** Credits to the rightful owner of the picture

Letter of my Dark Side

Life. I had enough.

All my plans… ruined. All my hopes… crushed. All my love… drained. What more are you going take away from me? Miserable as always. You have taken all the colors in my life.

Crying won’t do me good. My tears can’t bring comfort to me anymore. Even the songs are meaningless.
I had enough of this nonsense that everything will be OK when it’s not. That everything will be different tomorrow when I woke up but I still feel miserable every morning like I was last night.

I am sick and tired of pretending that things will turn out fine. That everything will get better. When? When will it be? I was growing weary with every heartache, every failure and rejection.
Even the darkness could not envelop the pain that I am feeling. And death will be just a temporary cure and I would suffer all over again.

Tell me. Do you have enough of me? Because Life I HAD ENOUGH.

Everything is falling apart, and then I prayed.

image

I confess…  These past few days I doubted about God’s plan for me. I asked him, “Why Lord? Why am I being hold back to the things I wanted the most? For the things I should be doing in my life right now? Why are my plans are not being followed? Why do I have to give up something important to me?”

I confess… I doubted if God heard my prayer at all. If God really wanted me to be happy. If God really cares.

I cried silently.. not wanting somebody see how I painfully she’d my tears how I cried out to God my questions, my heart’s doubts and worries.

My patience is one of my challenge and waiting for something to happen makes me weary.  But then,  when all the tears are already poured, my throat already ached and my heart’s tightening..  I grasp something.

It is not God’s fault I experience this. It is mine. Instead of trusting in His timing and plans, I was busy creating mine. Instead of praying and reading His word, I was worrying and crying  about how I am so disappointed with my life.

I am an ungrateful child. I realized.. I was not alone in the past. From the parents that He assigned to me… to friends He gave me.. and all those times in applying for a school in college He directed me.

Even the heartache He gave me for my first love served as a lesson for future references. I learned that I can love no matter what the appearance,  the intelligence and attitude as long as it is from God you can love unconditionally.

I know I am cruel and selfish and everything.. But He never failed to lend me His strength to carry on everyday. Even I am falling apart, He always pick up the pieces at the end of the day.

So I am so ashamed of myself and I confess… Prayer changes everything. And the answers to my questions? It is also all in my prayers. 😉

My insecurities are eating me

image

Every morning I have this terrible feeling after work. I am in a graveyard shift and when the day just started for almost everyone,  mine just ended.

My heart broke when I see a lot of students commuting to school. A different expression every time I look at them. Some are tired, some are excited and some doesn’t even care at all.

I should be one of them. I should also be going to school instead of going home after work. I should  be one of those fortunate people who get to continue studying and meet their friends every morning and talk about what happened in yesterday’s class and if they ever finished their assignments. I should be one of those students,  studying in their way to school, which I did when I was still one of them. I never waste time and make the most out of it.
I should not be in one of those customer care companies,  talking non-stop to strangers, addressing their complaints and giving them satisfaction of how I assisted them. I should be giving myself satisfaction first before giving them to other people, but my heart can’t do that. It is willing to sacrifice it’s own happiness for the sake of other people.

I know some of you will say I should be contented and be grateful I have a job in a very young age. But because of this age, I should be in one of those school and finishing up engineering and be called an Engineer someday.

Some of you may suggest that I should be working and studying at the same time, but I tell you.. I have a very weak body and I needed to rest more. I also thought of the possibility of working and studying. But my work demands a lot of changes in the schedule and you cannot bring a book to study in your cubicle.  And the sad fact is, I am not able to study even they allowed to because we are flooded with calls.

I can’t blame my parents for not able to afford my education. I can’t blame that they are getting older and can’t work  that hard anymore. I’m having guilt feelings because I wasn’t able to see that.

I was broken hearted to see other people who have more than they could hope for in life and can afford their education but they are wasting it. They are going to school not to discuss assignments and looking forward to see some friends but looking forward to escape the day and get money from their parents. They never know that I would beg for them to switched places with me.  They work, I study.

I am thinking of searching for a sponsor but this is not common these days. You should have an Einstein brain first in order to get one but mine is not a mind of a genius but a mind who worked hard and making sure that I am above from average. If you knew someone please recommend me. I would never disappoint someone who gave me a chance.

School is one of my favorite place. And now I am working hard to get out of this unhappy job that I have and be reunited with my favorite place once again. I am saving my hard-earned money just to buy a uniform and other school material but it is not enough for my tuition fee. But I know I have to keep working hard and  trusting God for I know  He has a better plan ahead of me. I just need to be positive. I believe that I can continue my dreams and stop torturing myself from this job I don’t even like and making me feel stressed everyday.