The Greatest Decision Ever

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During a job interview I was taken aback with the question, what was my greatest and hardest decision I made in my life.

I look back and recall things I sacrifice in the span of years I live here on earth. The answer pop up so quick, I was surprise of how my decision made me of who I am today.

Back then, I chose my school life over my love life. I have few regrets. Things I didn’t say and do but I already accepted the fact that things happen as how it supposed to be.

I exchanged a temporary happiness to a lifetime of loneliness, that’s what I thought first. I was alone at the top. I can’t even smile fully with the gold hanging in my neck and a wooden frame in my hands. My smile did not match the dullness of my eyes.

I thought the person would stay, would understand, and would support me along the way. But I was so wrong.

Stressed and fatigued, the two who changed me. I was too focused of my goal, too focused of looking forward I wasn’t able to see that I was leaving you behind. My pace didn’t match yours so we have a problem with too much insecurities.

All I think about in those stressful days is how I dread it to be finished. That there will be no after class meetings that will gonna hinder us on the way home.

No department competition to lead, for the sake of the name of our course to be recognize.

That there will be no sleepless nights that I study too much for a test I wanted to ace tomorrow.

I wanted to graduate soon and say the words and be able to feel freely the butterfly in my stomach. No more grades to mind, no more teachers to please, and no more classmate to lead; just you and me.

But you drifted away because I pushed you away. I pushed you because I was too afraid of saying the words that you wanted to hear. I pushed you away because I consider other people’s feelings more than I do with you. I pushed you away because you were the last person in my list of priorities.

As I was moving forward towards the castle in the sand we built together was blown and destroyed by the waves and the wind of our obstacles. And you were just standing there, swallowed by your own insecurities, influenced by your ego, brainwashed by your jealousy.

I really believe that what you felt for me before was love, but you were just longing for an affection I can never give to you. I am sorry if I love my life more than you. Because I thought that there are a lot of years ahead of us and I wanted to achieve all this things so that I could focused all my attention to you in the later years. I thought we are in the same wavelength.

But thanks to you. You made me realize that pursuing that temporary happiness could make my parents really proud of me. And I realized, it is not my life who I cherished after all. It is the people who willingly stayed for those times I was too busy looking forward and moving to the top. They waited patiently for me and support me in everything until I finally reached my end of the path I was creating for them to walked smoothly. So that I could get them and lead them to where I am now.

I am sorry you did not understand that I worked so hard for myself so that you will be also proud of me.

We are not meant to happen. We don’t have a happy ending. You were just a sad and painful chapter in my life. You serve as a lesson. That people who loves me deeply will stay no matter how hard it is to be with me and people who don’t will eventually get tired and leave.

I know my life is not as happy as I wanted to be without you but I made the right decision, you will never be a part of what I am going to be. The updated version of me.

** Credits to the rightful owner of the picture

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A Sad Billet Doux

I cried bitter tears as I am lying in my bedhttps://www.pinterest.com/pin/218776494371525287/
Tears cause by bitterness I painfully shed
And now my heart is sinking low
Longing for the love I’ve known a long time ago

Memories keep flashing, flooding my head
A tingling pain that slowly made my body dead
Shot of joy of yesterday’s moment
I want to experience it again with happiness and excitement

Sparkling eyes with fireworks at the scene
Hands entwine held by a love so saccharine
A billet doux with a scent of hope
Slide in my soul like an everlasting slope

Sepia colored moments are hard to hold
The love I’ve known long time ago is now cold
The warmth and tenderness of his heart I miss
But sad to say, I’ll end this poem without his bliss.

Unwavering Love

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God is the one who knows my pain,
Released me from the agony’s chain.
Renewed my heart that once was broken,
And love me no matter what happen.

His love is unwavering
His mercy never fails
Without Him I am nothing
Without Him my ship wouldn’t sail.

My heart is longing to see His face,
And to thank him with all His grace.
Bless me, oh God, and forgive all of my sins.
I love you Lord, please make me wise and keen.

Bitter Wishes

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I wish I don’t have a heart, it aches too much.
I wish I don’t have hair that I can brush.
I wish I don’t have a mind that can think twice.
I wish I don’t have a voice that can sing with precise.

I wish I don’t have the eyes that can see my own misery.
I wish I don’t have the ears that can hear my agony.
I wish I don’t have the nose that can smell my defeat.
I wish I don’t have the hands that can touch what I forfeit.

I wish I don’t have bones that can stand the pain.
I wish I don’t have a flesh to feel the weakness I gain.
I wish I don’t have the feet to lead me to my destruction.
I wish I don’t have the leadership to ease my obligation.

I wish I don’t have the tears that flows like a river.
I wish I don’t have the smile that can be a deceiver.
It breaks my heart to wish all this…
But if this results to my bliss,
Then I’ll continue to say I wish… I wish.

To The Person Who I Thought Was Really The One

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You are the man I loved since the moment I saw you and sadly until now even though you already walked away. I really thought you are the one for me, the one I could be with forever. But forever is impossible between us.

I know I have my faults too why you fall out of love. But I will try to explain myself. Behind all those shooing was a heart that wanted you to stay and annoy me still. Behind all those opposition I made every time you make an argument was really a heart that wanted to be with you and talk to you and argue about silly things.

Behind those tired eyes was a heart longing for you to give me rest on your shoulders and assure me that everything will fall into place. Behind those shrugged of annoyance was a heart that wanted to be understood.

But when the day you said that you don’t love me anymore I feel like my color has taken away from. Everything turned dull and blurry. It felt like a lost a sense of living. I lost the will to live. I cried all night trying to numb myself from the pain of your words. What am I supposed to do now? How about those promises we made together? Am I going to do it alone?

I cried in front of my Mom and was about to say how I lost you but I just said that my grade is about to fail (which is true because I was so distracted thinking how we are falling a part and studying is difficult at those times). Mom said that I should focus more and she said that I can do a lot better.

I tried to cheer myself up and did everything to make my life even busier so that I will not think about you. I read a lot of books and sleep and eat more. Showing everyone that I can be happy without you. And when you are being teased by the girl you love now I just smile and say I don’t care. But I care A LOT!

Sorry if I really got mad and say hurtful things to you. That was because I was corrupted by my pain and anger and my pride cannot fathom the fact that you will never be mine anymore. But you know what? Every time I saw you my heart wanted to burst and I wanted to scream because of the pain.

Whenever I hear your name with our common friends I feel like crying and misses you even more. I don’t know if you are able to read this but I bet you can’t because you don’t care anymore. I just wanted you to know that I love you always. I may seem busy with everything and my hands are full with activities at school but I never missed a single second to miss you.

It hurts me when they say you are like my underling, the one who is always tailing behind. No… I don’t want them to talk about you like that because you are the person I look up to. You are like my Vanilla Star.

But now you changed. You didn’t keep your promises. Do you want me to remind you of them?

-You said I will never be an old maid because you’re going to marry me.
-You said you you are willing to wait
-You said that you will never get tired of me even though I am so annoying to the maximum level
-Lastly, when I thought everything will feel apart you said to me that you will never ever be gone by my side

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But even though you changed I don’t know why I continue to love you. I am not asking you to come back. I already know that will never happen. I will just ask you to be back to the guy I once knew. The one who brought me closer to God. Who’s mouth is clean from profanity. The one who would make up with my craziness and joke that is out of this earth but it’s funny anyway (for me). The one who is sensitive enough of how others would feel if they are being bullied.

You never stand up for what is right anymore. You only stand up for those bad influenced friend of yours.

I hope if you ever read this you will realize I never change. The only one who changed was the one who gave up the love he started and memories that were thrown away. And my fault? I just watched you made all those changes and understand that some people really change and to let them see that you really love them you will love those changes. And I did.

I am starting to move on now not because I want to but I need to because you already did. Again I just wanted you to know that even you changed, I loved those changes and will love you until this pain in my heart will fade.

May God bless you! And I love you forever and always…