A volte

b41737ccec76ccbd75f373600e89f024.jpgSometimes… I think about you sometimes.
When my world is in chaos,
I bring back all those happy memories;
As if you were here back again with me.

Sometimes… I dream about you sometimes.
When I don’t want to live in this world,
The cruelty and selfishness diminish.
And I find comfort in your memory.

Sometimes… I miss you sometimes.
When I feel alone in the sea of faces,
And I tried to find yours in them;
It felt like a little glimpse can heal me again.

Sometimes… I wish you back sometimes.
When everyone is leaving.
When everyone finds their way home.
But oftentimes, I told my self you have
no heart of coming back.
And my sometimes will always remain as sometimes.

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The Ever Infamous LOVE

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They say first love never dies. But I tell you, because of this so-called first love I was dying everyday for the last 4 years. (but thank God! I am better now!)

Falling in love for the first time is the hardest and most risky falling you’ll ever have. Falling from your seat is much bearable than the pain you’ll get with a broken heart. Physical wounds would only take days to mend but mending a heart is a different story.

I don’t know with you but with me, I fell so hard and I was having a difficulty of standing up and moving on. The unrequited love was too much for me. It’s like a ten-pound weight chained into your heart and you can’t get it off. They say crying would help ease the pain but it just swell my eyes and I feel completely numb, physically but not emotionally and mentally.

When you feel too much pain and can’t even get a hold of yourself, every single feeling of hunger, sleepiness, disease or something that can be physically felt were all gone. And you can only feel the pain throbbing in your heart.

Especially when it was your first time falling and no one is there to catch you. Tragic right? Real life is far fetch from fairy tales we’ve seen in TV. That when a Prince would kiss you after sleeping for hundred of years or slipping a shoe would give you a happily ever after.

They did not show us the ups and down. They did not show us about Princesses arguing with the smallest things with their prince and how they make up. How love does not have only one trial to surpass but a lifetime of obstacle for us to overcome.

I don’t want you to be scared and give up on love. I am only telling that love is painful but beautiful at the same time. There are lucky ones. The ones who fell in love with only one person their whole life. No break ups, no flings and no feeling of falling out.

So when you found a person who gives you butterfly or what I call stomach acids churning, enjoy it. Heartbreaks takes a lot of time to heal and be back on your feet again it cannot compare to the joy it brought you when you were in love.

Someday, you will look back to the times you felt terrible and depressed, and find it somewhat funny how you were like that when there is so much to enjoy in life.

I really am happy now, still single but contented. 🙂

The Greatest Decision Ever

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During a job interview I was taken aback with the question, what was my greatest and hardest decision I made in my life.

I look back and recall things I sacrifice in the span of years I live here on earth. The answer pop up so quick, I was surprise of how my decision made me of who I am today.

Back then, I chose my school life over my love life. I have few regrets. Things I didn’t say and do but I already accepted the fact that things happen as how it supposed to be.

I exchanged a temporary happiness to a lifetime of loneliness, that’s what I thought first. I was alone at the top. I can’t even smile fully with the gold hanging in my neck and a wooden frame in my hands. My smile did not match the dullness of my eyes.

I thought the person would stay, would understand, and would support me along the way. But I was so wrong.

Stressed and fatigued, the two who changed me. I was too focused of my goal, too focused of looking forward I wasn’t able to see that I was leaving you behind. My pace didn’t match yours so we have a problem with too much insecurities.

All I think about in those stressful days is how I dread it to be finished. That there will be no after class meetings that will gonna hinder us on the way home.

No department competition to lead, for the sake of the name of our course to be recognize.

That there will be no sleepless nights that I study too much for a test I wanted to ace tomorrow.

I wanted to graduate soon and say the words and be able to feel freely the butterfly in my stomach. No more grades to mind, no more teachers to please, and no more classmate to lead; just you and me.

But you drifted away because I pushed you away. I pushed you because I was too afraid of saying the words that you wanted to hear. I pushed you away because I consider other people’s feelings more than I do with you. I pushed you away because you were the last person in my list of priorities.

As I was moving forward towards the castle in the sand we built together was blown and destroyed by the waves and the wind of our obstacles. And you were just standing there, swallowed by your own insecurities, influenced by your ego, brainwashed by your jealousy.

I really believe that what you felt for me before was love, but you were just longing for an affection I can never give to you. I am sorry if I love my life more than you. Because I thought that there are a lot of years ahead of us and I wanted to achieve all this things so that I could focused all my attention to you in the later years. I thought we are in the same wavelength.

But thanks to you. You made me realize that pursuing that temporary happiness could make my parents really proud of me. And I realized, it is not my life who I cherished after all. It is the people who willingly stayed for those times I was too busy looking forward and moving to the top. They waited patiently for me and support me in everything until I finally reached my end of the path I was creating for them to walked smoothly. So that I could get them and lead them to where I am now.

I am sorry you did not understand that I worked so hard for myself so that you will be also proud of me.

We are not meant to happen. We don’t have a happy ending. You were just a sad and painful chapter in my life. You serve as a lesson. That people who loves me deeply will stay no matter how hard it is to be with me and people who don’t will eventually get tired and leave.

I know my life is not as happy as I wanted to be without you but I made the right decision, you will never be a part of what I am going to be. The updated version of me.

** Credits to the rightful owner of the picture

Feeling Unloved? Remember God loves you to the nth power.

http://41.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mbf4prAG5y1qdaq7jo1_500.jpgYou would wonder why nth power? You would always hear it in mathematics or related to that subject. It means an unspecified ordinal number, usually the greatest in a series of values or simply put to the utmost or extreme.
Isn’t amazing? Your Father in heaven loves you very much and He even commanded His angels concerning you to guide you in all your ways, they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone (Psalms 91:11-12). Get that? That’s how much God loves you that He’s not going to hurt you even a bit.
So when you feel being so unloved keep this in mind, God loves you with an everlasting love. If you feel that the world is against you, run to Him and cry out when things are not going easy, but always believe that He will always there for you.
Never lose faith and hope that everything will come to pass. Celebrate in His love for He alone can satisfy the needs of your heart. Take heart for all the troubles, it is there to strengthen you.
But I’m warning you, the enemy will try to make you remember of the things that hurt you, sadness will snatch you from God’s power. Tears will blur the sight of joy and harsh words will deafen you from the promising words of God. Lies will mute you from speaking the truth. Hurt will cause you to become idle and will dishonor God.
However, all you need to do is set aside the hurt of being unloved. Forgive the ones who hurt you, but never forget the lesson they teach you. Love until it hurts no more. The kind of love Jesus taught us to give.
And last but not the least, whenever you feel unloved, rejected and ignored. Remember to whom you are belong and you are love to the nth power!

Unwavering Love

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God is the one who knows my pain,
Released me from the agony’s chain.
Renewed my heart that once was broken,
And love me no matter what happen.

His love is unwavering
His mercy never fails
Without Him I am nothing
Without Him my ship wouldn’t sail.

My heart is longing to see His face,
And to thank him with all His grace.
Bless me, oh God, and forgive all of my sins.
I love you Lord, please make me wise and keen.