During a job interview I was taken aback by the question, what was the greatest and hardest decision I made in my life.
I look
During a job interview, I was surprised by a question about the most significant and toughest decision I’ve ever made. As I reflect on my life’s journey, the answer comes to me with unexpected clarity, revealing how this choice has shaped my current self.
Back then, I faced a pivotal decision: should I prioritize my education or my romantic relationship? Looking back, I harbor a few regrets about things left unsaid and undone, but I’ve come to accept that events unfolded as they were meant to.
I exchanged short-term happiness for a potential lifetime of solitude, or so I initially believed. I found myself at the pinnacle of success but unable to muster a genuine smile, despite the gold hanging from my neck and the accolades in my hands. My smile lacked the spark in my eyes.
I had expected that person to stay, to understand, and to support me throughout my journey. Yet, I was mistaken.
Stress and fatigue were the catalysts for change. My relentless pursuit of my goals and my focus on the future prevented me from noticing that I was leaving you behind. Our paces diverged, and insecurity crept in.
During those trying times, all I could think about was when it would all be over. No more post-class meetups delaying our journey home. No more departmental competitions to lead, fighting for recognition for our course. No more sleepless nights cramming for exams.
I yearned to graduate quickly, to utter those words, and to feel the butterflies in my stomach without the burden of grades, teachers, and classmates. I just wanted you and me.
However, you drifted away because I pushed you aside. I did so out of fear, afraid to say the words you longed to hear. I prioritized others’ feelings over yours. You became the last on my list of priorities.
As I advanced toward the castle we built together in the sand, it was washed away by the waves and winds of life’s challenges. You stood there, consumed by your insecurities, influenced by your ego, and ensnared by jealousy.
I genuinely believed that what you felt for me was love, but you were craving an affection I couldn’t provide. I apologize for choosing my life over you, thinking that we had many years ahead to share. I thought we were on the same wavelength.
Yet, you helped me realize that pursuing that fleeting happiness could make my parents proud of me. I discovered that my cherished life wasn’t just about me; it was about those who patiently waited and supported me as I climbed toward my goals. I reached the end of the path I had paved for them, enabling them to walk with ease. I worked tirelessly for myself so that you, too, would be proud of me.
We weren’t meant to be together. There’s no fairy tale ending here. You were a challenging and painful chapter in my life, but you taught me a valuable lesson. Those who love me deeply will stay by my side, no matter how tough it gets, while those who don’t will eventually drift away.
My life may not be as joyful as I once envisioned it without you, but I’m confident I made the right choice. You will not be a part of the updated version of me.
back and recall things I sacrifice in the span of years I live here on earth. The answer pop up so quick, I was surprise of how my decision made me of who I am today.
Back then, I chose my school life over my love life. I have few regrets. Things I didn’t say and do but I already accepted the fact that things happen as how it supposed to be.
I exchanged a temporary happiness to a lifetime of loneliness, that’s what I thought first. I was alone at the top. I can’t even smile fully with the gold hanging in my neck and a wooden frame in my hands. My smile did not match the dullness of my eyes.
I thought the person would stay, would understand, and would support me along the way. But I was so wrong.
Stressed and fatigued, the two who changed me. I was too focused of my goal, too focused of looking forward I wasn’t able to see that I was leaving you behind. My pace didn’t match yours so we have a problem with too much insecurities.
All I think about in those stressful days is how I dread it to be finished. That there will be no after class meetings that will gonna hinder us on the way home.
No department competition to lead, for the sake of the name of our course to be recognize.
That there will be no sleepless nights that I study too much for a test I wanted to ace tomorrow.
I wanted to graduate soon and say the words and be able to feel freely the butterfly in my stomach. No more grades to mind, no more teachers to please, and no more classmate to lead; just you and me.
But you drifted away because I pushed you away. I pushed you because I was too afraid of saying the words that you wanted to hear. I pushed you away because I consider other people’s feelings more than I do with you. I pushed you away because you were the last person in my list of priorities.
As I was moving forward towards the castle in the sand we built together was blown and destroyed by the waves and the wind of our obstacles. And you were just standing there, swallowed by your own insecurities, influenced by your ego, brainwashed by your jealousy.
I really believe that what you felt for me before was love, but you were just longing for an affection I can never give to you. I am sorry if I love my life more than you. Because I thought that there are a lot of years ahead of us and I wanted to achieve all this things so that I could focused all my attention to you in the later years. I thought we are in the same wavelength.
But thanks to you. You made me realize that pursuing that temporary happiness could make my parents really proud of me. And I realized, it is not my life who I cherished after all. It is the people who willingly stayed for those times I was too busy looking forward and moving to the top. They waited patiently for me and support me in everything until I finally reached my end of the path I was creating for them to walked smoothly. So that I could get them and lead them to where I am now.
I am sorry you did not understand that I worked so hard for myself so that you will be also proud of me.
We are not meant to happen. We don’t have a happy ending. You were just a sad and painful chapter in my life. You serve as a lesson. That people who loves me deeply will stay no matter how hard it is to be with me and people who don’t will eventually get tired and leave.
I know my life is not as happy as I wanted to be without you but I made the right decision, you will never be a part of what I am going to be. The updated version of me.
** Credits to the rightful owner of the picture
Love-in-Idleness 