Letter of my Dark Side

Life. I had enough.

All my plans… ruined. All my hopes… crushed. All my love… drained. What more are you going take away from me? Miserable as always. You taken all the colors in my life.

Crying won’t do me good. My tears can’t bring comfort to me anymore. Even the songs are meaningless.
I had enough of this nonsense that everything will be OK when it’s not. That everything will be different tomorrow when I woke up but I still feel miserable every morning like I was last night.

I am sick and tired of pretending that things will turn out fine. That everything will get better. When? When will it be? I was growing weary with every heartache, every failure and rejection.
Even the darkness could not envelop the pain that I am feeling. And death will be just a temporary cure and I would suffer all over again.

Tell me. Do you have enough of me? Because Life I HAD ENOUGH.

Everything is falling apart, and then I prayed.

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I confess…  These past few days I doubted about God’s plan for me. I asked him, “Why Lord? Why am I being hold back to the things I wanted the most? For the things I should be doing in my life right now? Why are my plans are not being followed? Why do I have to give up something important to me?”

I confess… I doubted if God heard my prayer at all. If God really wanted me to be happy. If God really cares.

I cried silently.. not wanting somebody see how I painfully she’d my tears how I cried out to God my questions, my heart’s doubts and worries.

My patience is one of my challenge and waiting for something to happen makes me weary.  But then,  when all the tears are already poured, my throat already ached and my heart’s tightening..  I grasp something.

It is not God’s fault I experience this. It is mine. Instead of trusting in His timing and plans, I was busy creating mine. Instead of praying and reading His word, I was worrying and crying  about how I am so disappointed with my life.

I am an ungrateful child. I realized.. I was not alone in the past. From the parents that He assigned to me… to friends He gave me.. and all those times in applying for a school in college He directed me.

Even the heartache He gave me for my first love served as a lesson for future references. I learned that I can love no matter what the appearance,  the intelligence and attitude as long as it is from God you can love unconditionally.

I know I am cruel and selfish and everything.. But He never failed to lend me His strength to carry on everyday. Even I am falling apart, He always pick up the pieces at the end of the day.

So I am so ashamed of myself and I confess… Prayer changes everything. And the answers to my questions? It is also all in my prayers. 😉

My insecurities are eating me

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Every morning I have this terrible feeling after work. I am in a graveyard shift and when the day just started for almost everyone,  mine just ended.

My heart broke when I see a lot of students commuting to school. A different expression every time I look at them. Some are tired, some are excited and some doesn’t even care at all.

I should be one of them. I should also be going to school instead of going home after work. I should  be one of those fortunate people who get to continue studying and meet their friends every morning and talk about what happened in yesterday’s class and if they ever finished their assignments. I should be one of those students,  studying in their way to school, which I did when I was still one of them. I never waste time and make the most out of it.
I should not be in one of those customer care companies,  talking non-stop to strangers, addressing their complaints and giving them satisfaction of how I assisted them. I should be giving myself satisfaction first before giving them to other people, but my heart can’t do that. It is willing to sacrifice it’s own happiness for the sake of other people.

I know some of you will say I should be contented and be grateful I have a job in a very young age. But because of this age, I should be in one of those school and finishing up engineering and be called an Engineer someday.

Some of you may suggest that I should be working and studying at the same time, but I tell you.. I have a very weak body and I needed to rest more. I also thought of the possibility of working and studying. But my work demands a lot of changes in the schedule and you cannot bring a book to study in your cubicle.  And the sad fact is, I am not able to study even they allowed to because we are flooded with calls.

I can’t blame my parents for not able to afford my education. I can’t blame that they are getting older and can’t work  that hard anymore. I’m having guilt feelings because I wasn’t able to see that.

I was broken hearted to see other people who have more than they could hope for in life and can afford their education but they are wasting it. They are going to school not to discuss assignments and looking forward to see some friends but looking forward to escape the day and get money from their parents. They never know that I would beg for them to switched places with me.  They work, I study.

I am thinking of searching for a sponsor but this is not common these days. You should have an Einstein brain first in order to get one but mine is not a mind of a genius but a mind who worked hard and making sure that I am above from average. If you knew someone please recommend me. I would never disappoint someone who gave me a chance.

School is one of my favorite place. And now I am working hard to get out of this unhappy job that I have and be reunited with my favorite place once again. I am saving my hard-earned money just to buy a uniform and other school material but it is not enough for my tuition fee. But I know I have to keep working hard and  trusting God for I know  He has a better plan ahead of me. I just need to be positive. I believe that I can continue my dreams and stop torturing myself from this job I don’t even like and making me feel stressed everyday.

Feeling Unloved? Remember God loves you to the nth power.

http://41.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mbf4prAG5y1qdaq7jo1_500.jpgYou would wonder why nth power? You would always hear it in mathematics or related to that subject. It means an unspecified ordinal number, usually the greatest in a series of values or simply put to the utmost or extreme.
Isn’t amazing? Your Father in heaven loves you very much and He even commanded His angels concerning you to guide you in all your ways, they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone (Psalms 91:11-12). Get that? That’s how much God loves you that He’s not going to hurt you even a bit.
So when you feel being so unloved keep this in mind, God loves you with an everlasting love. If you feel that the world is against you, run to Him and cry out when things are not going easy, but always believe that He will always there for you.
Never lose faith and hope that everything will come to pass. Celebrate in His love for He alone can satisfy the needs of your heart. Take heart for all the troubles, it is there to strengthen you.
But I’m warning you, the enemy will try to make you remember of the things that hurt you, sadness will snatch you from God’s power. Tears will blur the sight of joy and harsh words will deafen you from the promising words of God. Lies will mute you from speaking the truth. Hurt will cause you to become idle and will dishonor God.
However, all you need to do is set aside the hurt of being unloved. Forgive the ones who hurt you, but never forget the lesson they teach you. Love until it hurts no more. The kind of love Jesus taught us to give.
And last but not the least, whenever you feel unloved, rejected and ignored. Remember to whom you are belong and you are love to the nth power!

A Sad Billet Doux

I cried bitter tears as I am lying in my bedhttps://www.pinterest.com/pin/218776494371525287/
Tears cause by bitterness I painfully shed
And now my heart is sinking low
Longing for the love I’ve known a long time ago

Memories keep flashing, flooding my head
A tingling pain that slowly made my body dead
Shot of joy of yesterday’s moment
I want to experience it again with happiness and excitement

Sparkling eyes with fireworks at the scene
Hands entwine held by a love so saccharine
A billet doux with a scent of hope
Slide in my soul like an everlasting slope

Sepia colored moments are hard to hold
The love I’ve known long time ago is now cold
The warmth and tenderness of his heart I miss
But sad to say, I’ll end this poem without his bliss.