Everything is falling apart, and then I prayed.

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I confess…  These past few days I doubted about God’s plan for me. I asked him, “Why Lord? Why am I being hold back to the things I wanted the most? For the things I should be doing in my life right now? Why are my plans are not being followed? Why do I have to give up something important to me?”

I confess… I doubted if God heard my prayer at all. If God really wanted me to be happy. If God really cares.

I cried silently.. not wanting somebody see how I painfully she’d my tears how I cried out to God my questions, my heart’s doubts and worries.

My patience is one of my challenge and waiting for something to happen makes me weary.  But then,  when all the tears are already poured, my throat already ached and my heart’s tightening..  I grasp something.

It is not God’s fault I experience this. It is mine. Instead of trusting in His timing and plans, I was busy creating mine. Instead of praying and reading His word, I was worrying and crying  about how I am so disappointed with my life.

I am an ungrateful child. I realized.. I was not alone in the past. From the parents that He assigned to me… to friends He gave me.. and all those times in applying for a school in college He directed me.

Even the heartache He gave me for my first love served as a lesson for future references. I learned that I can love no matter what the appearance,  the intelligence and attitude as long as it is from God you can love unconditionally.

I know I am cruel and selfish and everything.. But He never failed to lend me His strength to carry on everyday. Even I am falling apart, He always pick up the pieces at the end of the day.

So I am so ashamed of myself and I confess… Prayer changes everything. And the answers to my questions? It is also all in my prayers. 😉

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