My insecurities are eating me


Every morning I have this terrible feeling after work. I am in a graveyard shift and when the day just started for almost everyone,  mine just ended.

My heart broke when I see a lot of students commuting to school. A different expression every time I look at them. Some are tired, some are excited and some doesn’t even care at all.

I should be one of them. I should also be going to school instead of going home after work. I should  be one of those fortunate people who get to continue studying and meet their friends every morning and talk about what happened in yesterday’s class and if they ever finished their assignments. I should be one of those students,  studying in their way to school, which I did when I was still one of them. I never waste time and make the most out of it.
I should not be in one of those customer care companies,  talking non-stop to strangers, addressing their complaints and giving them satisfaction of how I assisted them. I should be giving myself satisfaction first before giving them to other people, but my heart can’t do that. It is willing to sacrifice it’s own happiness for the sake of other people.

I know some of you will say I should be contented and be grateful I have a job in a very young age. But because of this age, I should be in one of those school and finishing up engineering and be called an Engineer someday.

Some of you may suggest that I should be working and studying at the same time, but I tell you.. I have a very weak body and I needed to rest more. I also thought of the possibility of working and studying. But my work demands a lot of changes in the schedule and you cannot bring a book to study in your cubicle.  And the sad fact is, I am not able to study even they allowed to because we are flooded with calls.

I can’t blame my parents for not able to afford my education. I can’t blame that they are getting older and can’t work  that hard anymore. I’m having guilt feelings because I wasn’t able to see that.

I was broken hearted to see other people who have more than they could hope for in life and can afford their education but they are wasting it. They are going to school not to discuss assignments and looking forward to see some friends but looking forward to escape the day and get money from their parents. They never know that I would beg for them to switched places with me.  They work, I study.

I am thinking of searching for a sponsor but this is not common these days. You should have an Einstein brain first in order to get one but mine is not a mind of a genius but a mind who worked hard and making sure that I am above from average. If you knew someone please recommend me. I would never disappoint someone who gave me a chance.

School is one of my favorite place. And now I am working hard to get out of this unhappy job that I have and be reunited with my favorite place once again. I am saving my hard-earned money just to buy a uniform and other school material but it is not enough for my tuition fee. But I know I have to keep working hard and  trusting God for I know  He has a better plan ahead of me. I just need to be positive. I believe that I can continue my dreams and stop torturing myself from this job I don’t even like and making me feel stressed everyday.


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