In Love and Broken at the Same Time

forgiveness-love-quotes-12aygnlm“Love until it hurts no more..”

Hi… If you’re reading this you must be seeking an inspirational story right now. But I am giving you a head start, my life is a little bit a roller coaster ride. If you are hopeless romantic and have the weirdest daydreams about love, engagement proposal and marriage and the future events of life, feel free to continue reading. If not, well just read, you might get some lessons about this journey I am taking right now.

Did you experience being in love and brokenhearted at the same time? Me… Of course, I am since I met the man who I really thought would be my first boyfriend. You maybe are wondering if I already moved on? The answer is I am in the process of moving on.

He is my first love. The one who’s on my mind every day and night. But it didn’t go well. And this is the whole story why I cannot forget even though that was a long time ago.

December 25, 2012. I prayed to God that He will give me someone who could love me for me, despite of my appearance (I am not really ugly though XD) and not because I can do his homework and projects. The next day, this classmate of mine texted me. I have a crush on him already, but I keep it a secret so that I would live peacefully and won’t experience teasing everyday.  He asked about updates in school since he is not able to come due to church activities. So the conversation from school went to my hated classmate and he teased me to the guy. I said, “Oh please, if you have a crush on the guy don’t push him to me..

And to my surprised he replied I am actually his crush. If you have a crush you would definitely know what I feel. So he said,” I don’t know why I have a crush on you.. You are always on my mind and I don’t know why,”.

So I thought, is this person sent by God? So I took the chance. Our classmates are very surprised that we have this mutual understanding. He was always on my side. He gave up computer games just to be with me and always text me when I got home. But I said to him that we can love each other and after we graduate and received title as an Engineer, he will be definitely my boyfirend.

I am a type of girl that believes that my first boyfriend would be my last boyfriend. And I have this attitude like a spinster. So he actually said to me, “You will not become a spinster anymore after we get married”. That was something I was hoping for. I don’t believe on short term relationship. Love is not some kind of a toy that you can played at. It was a sacred thing given by God.

When summer came, He went to Japan to see his family (Half Japanese) but its only for 2 months. Our communication at first seems to go well, but later on it went to no communication at all. But before he went home to see me again, he assures me, “You will never lose me“. I hold on to those words.

The beginning of the school year has started. We have different classmates and he’s not yet at school. I am elected as the president of the class so whenever my teachers asked about him I would answer that he will be coming next week.

My classmates smell something fishy going on about us. But I didn’t say anything. When he landed here in our country, he called me first and gave me a little cat souvenir from Japan.

We have a lot of happy memories and then the busyness came. As a president, I have to attend after school meetings and I have to focus on studying because I have a grade to maintain. So I suggested that he start to play online games with his friends because I don’t want him to get out of place when I am having a meeting. We’re not having lunch together. We’re not talking to each other so much. No text messages came even though I texted him a lot.

I became so busy, I get irritated because of being tired and pressured. I have a whole department to deal as a team. And he thought I was in love with my guy best friend. So we have a talk about it, he is sorry that he got busy playing games and don’t talk to me anymore. I was sorry too that I was too busy with school that I can’t have a time for us. We both agreed to finish our studies first and love each other even though we no commitment or title for now. So its, settled.

But as the days went by, he is so cold to me. I have pushed him to be friends with someone I thought at first were good guys. But actually a very bad influence on him. I prayed every day and night that he will realize how bad he is doing right now and for the restoration of our relationship.

That time it seems that I was a total stranger to him. And he’s attitude change that it reach to the point that I don’t know him anymore. The guy who I’ve been in love from the very start even though he change I still love him. I am just waiting for God’s perfect time for us both.

But that perfect time didn’t come… because it was not meant to be. He found a lovely girl who have all the time in the world and not really minding the pressure of college life. So I just found out on the day of my birthday that he is not in love with me anymore. The worst gift ever.

After that, I was bitter. I get angry whenever I saw him. I said things that would hurt him. But my friends told me that he understood why I feel that way. I am wearing a mask every at school. Telling everyone that I don’t mind, but every time I see him I converted my sadness into being angry and sharp-tongued.

It went on every day. I wanted to apologize to the guy I still in love with today. How wrong I was to tell him that he is worthless and how I regret meeting him. Actually, meeting him was one of the happiest moment in my life.

I was just drowned in my pain and depression. Hatred blinded me and covered the love I supposed to feel. Now I know that some things are not just meant to be, even though you have prayed for it if it’s not God’s will, it will never happen.

Now, I submitted all my plans to the Lord. I know that this brokenness of mine He will fix. In his perfect time and to the right person.

So for the one who I am in love with and brokenhearted at the same time, I am very sorry if I told you things that hurt you. And I love you still. I prayed to God for forgiveness so that I could forgive you. Sorry if I could not approach you from now on. I just can’t take it that you are now with someone else. I’m praying that you will be happy with her and you will have a relationship that will last forever.


Anonymous Aesop


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